Those wild and crazy homo-ordaining Episcopalians have broken yet another barrier by electing a woman to head up the entire U.S. church. The conservatives are muttering darkly about schism. Well, they’ve been muttering darkly about it, but the darkness of the muttering is now approaching pitch-black.
You can see their point, since Jesus clearly said that if you want to spread his word, the single most important thing is to have a penis that only becomes erect in response to females. A penis that wants to party with other penises is not a desirable substitute, though as long as you don’t give in to your penis’s proclivities you’ll probably be okay. But of course if you don’t have a penis at all then you’re right out of luck. You can help out the penis-bearers by sweeping up the church and bringing cupcakes for the bake sale, that sort of thing, but that’s it.
The new female bishop is married, so perhaps she can use her husband’s penis as a proxy. He could come along to all the meetings and just sit next to her, with his penis. The church could even give him a special title as the Right Reverend Proxy Penis-Bearer or something. That ought to square things with the conservatives.