“How To Land A Rich Man” Reconfigured As Advice For The Fundraising Law Dean

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Last summer the wretched Forbes (capitalist “tool“) published a “Special Report” called How To Land A Rich Man. The original text is unaltered and indented. Interspersed in italics are comments that are intended to adapt the advice for law school deans.

Apparently the entire feminist movement was some sort of hoax.

Because the entire feminist movement was some sort of hoax, female students don’t have any money to spend on tuition, as they can barely afford the clothes and beauty treatments they will need to catch a man. So raise huge quantities of cash and give them all full scholarships.

Or so the recent rash of dating gurus and their controversial guidebooks on landing a rich guy would have you believe. Never mind equality, these women want money–and lots of it.

Women want lots of money, just like law deans. Women law deans are the most insanely mercenary greedheads of all. So if you are a law dean, but you are not female, best to step aside for someone who is, you amateur.

With burning bras a distant memory, these shameless women have authored books, offer seminars and even give private lessons on how to snag a moneyed man. They offer the where-to’s and how-to’s that can help unlock the marital bank without doing, well, anything–flirting not withstanding.

Try not to burn any articles of clothing that could plausibly be recycled. If you insist upon burning restrictive undergarments in effigy, try to make sure they are bearing the Playboy logo. Invite some alumni along to roast marshmellows over the flames and figure out a way to award CLE credit to attendees bearing donation checks.

“Why not make it yourself?” critics often ask Ginie Polo Sayles, author of How to Marry Rich. Her response: “You can, but you can do it faster with a man.”

Instead of trying to pry cash out of the alumni, many of whom are still angry about not making law review, you could secure a really high paying job and turn over your salary to the law school. You wouldn’t have time to preside over faculty meetings, meet with students, interact with university administrators, or attend social functions with members of the local bar. Could there be a downside as well? None that readily come to mind!

Leidra Lawson, author of Sugar Daddy 101: What You Need to Know If You Want to Be a Sugar Baby, is just as blunt. “Personally, I love to work,” she says. “But I also like to know I can go shopping or go on vacation without having to save up money for it.”

Consider offering wealthy law students their own premium tuition based “First Class” first year section, with late morning classes, free snacks and beverages, comfy seats, and automatic straight “A’s” for everybody.

If it sounds mercenary, that’s because it is. But it’s also nothing new. “We’re genetically programmed to go after successful men,” explains Lisa Johnson, author of How to Snare a Millionaire. “All the way back to caveman days, women had to mate with the best hunters, gatherers and providers for the propagation of our species.”

Following the theory of “A fool and his or her money are soon parted,” seek out potential donors who believe in evolutionary psychology precepts such as making wild guesses about “caveman days” to explain contemporary social phenomena. Try something like the: “Because people used to bang drums around a bonfire, they are genetically wired to give all their money to a law school when they reach late middle age.” Maybe Larry Summers can help you devise a persuasive accompanying narrative.

Not all women are convinced money is the brass ring: “It is good fortune if the person you love–male or female–happens to have money,” says Kim Gandy, president of the National Organization for Women. “It’s a wonderful thing, and it can certainly make life better and open opportunities for you and your children. But it’s a real mistake to think that money can buy love or happiness. It can’t.”

Leftists are hard to convince that law schools are worthier charities than, say, soup kitchens. Advise the alumni that soup kitchens are wonderful things, as long as no one gets food poisoning, but in conjunction with a large gift, a law school can name a classroom after you. Soup kitchens don’t even have classrooms. Maybe they can name a soup after you, but after they are consumed, soups get digested, so what kind of honor is that?

But according to University of Virginia sociologists Bradford Wilcox and Steven Nock, co-authors of the study “What’s Love Got to Do With It? Equality, Equity, Commitment and Women’s Marital Quality.” American wives are typically happier when their husbands earn the lion’s share of the household income.

See if you can get some sociologists to write books about how American wealthy people are typically happier when law schools reap the lion’s share of the household income.

“Our study suggests that women who take a man’s wealth into consideration when dating are likely to be happier down the line,” explains Wilcox.

Law deans who take a school’s endowment into consideration when they accept a Dean’s position are happier in the long run. Richer schools can pay more, you’ll get a nicer office, and maybe even a parking space.

Of course, finding that big-time breadwinner is not as easy as it sounds. It’s all about knowing how and where to search. Enter the gurus with their sage advice.

“You’ll need to upgrade where you go,” advises Sayles.

“Hang out where the wealthy do,” echoes Johnson. That means drinking at their bars (think five-star hotels), dining at their restaurants (super high-end, of course) and playing their sports (golf, anyone?).

Another sure bet for Anna Nicole Smith-wannabes: charity events. Johnson says there’s no need to donate the big bucks. Just sign up as a volunteer–you’ll get a sneak peek at the guest list, an invite to the party and a free pass to mingle with the moneyed.

Just one more tip from the gurus of the gold rush: Flirting and fawning are fine, but don’t discuss bank accounts.

If you make it your policy to only spend your valuable time with wealthy people, you have yet another convenient excuse to avoid the faculty and staff. Let the rich folks you hang with pick up the tab as often as possible, and if you want to know how much money someone has before your request a large donation, be discreet: try to surreptitiously intercept a prospect’s trash cans before pick up, and see if you can sort through and find any financial records.

–Ann Bartow

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